A Reflection

This year has been a roller coaster for me. No matter how sure you are of people or things, nothing is ever exactly what you think it is.
Marriage is a struggle. A battle of wills. A holy commitment. A security blanket at times. Other times, seemingly a nightmare.
One thing I've found with any relationship we have with anyone in
our lives, is that they change, mature, fall behind, renew, revert, die, etc...
...It's important to figure out which ones are most important, and which ones help you to grow as a person.
I may not have gotten the job I wanted in April, but I was offered the one I really needed in August.
I'm learning to be more patient. I'm learning to be more receiving. More forgiving. More tolerant.
I'm learning from others. Teaching others. Helping others. Loving others. Praising others.
But, I'm also realizing that sometimes the people I put so much trust in & and place high expectations on aren't necessarily deserving of it.
Part of being a Mother, is screening, and being cautious to preserve the safety & innocence of your children. I will never accept that I am wrong in that. I do the best I know is right.
At this point my marriage is exciting again, my children are excelling, my career as a geriatric nurse is fulfilling, my family is loving, I am growing as a person. As a wife, mother, daughter, sister, nurse, friend.
Nothing is ever perfect. But we have to make do with what we have, create what we need from it. Make a decision not to let our lives defeat us. Make the changes necessary to be what we really want to BE.

I am...

Struggling with the convenience of marriage vs. the need for romance.
The feeling of new love.
The feeling of sincere adoration.
Need.
Desire.
The mysteries of the unknown.
The high.
The newness.
Spontaneity.
The rush.
The crush.
The secrets.
The laughter.

Black Hole

What a crazy past 12 days I have had.
Erratic shifts at work.
I suggested a seperation of My husband & I for 2 weeks...which was resolved with a very deep, emotional conversation.
Yardwork.
Then...an email that slightly shattered my little world.
The job I have been waiting to get an interview for, has ceased the application process at this time. "It in no way signifies a lack of qualification on your part..." 

I am not going to lie.
I have been struggling in my mind, and soul about how I could feel right leaving the current job that I have, which is primarily elderly care, geriatric, some skilled/post surgical, would care, etc.  But, mostly, the elderly population. 
I love what I do. I feel like I am making a difference every time I go to work, showing them my love, kindness, and compassion. Treating them with respect.
Going from this type of work to a job promoting the health of felons, was a mind struggle.
It was, however, a job change I was willing to make to be more financially stable, provide better health insurance for my large family, and re-enter the work force full time after the past 6 years of being on-call to raise my babies.
It was the lst bit of hope I had left for a 'change'.
I was holding on to it very tightly, and had convinced myself, I was worthy, and that I would make it to the end, and secure this job.

So, Here I am.
In a nasty slump of self pity.
Hoping for a spark.
This just puts me back down into the hole that I thought I was slowly crawling out of.
I hate feeling 'stuck'.
Realizing that, I'm not going ANYWHERE.
There is nowhere to go.

Tantrum in a Tiara

Sweet Leah Dee wore her crown this eve as we playfully spoke in a very poor british accent ( i will admit), handed around miniature red velvet cupcakes, and discussed the Royal Wedding.

She seemed to be rather intrigued by the idea of a real life wedding of a prince & princess.  But, as she ate her mini cupcake, which I kept calling 'tea cakes', she began to frown, and then as she slowly placed the entire cupcake in her mouth, it became a full on tantrum of sorts. She was balling, and the cupcake was barely being held in her teeth.

All I can attribute her behaviour to is lack of sleep, she was probably over tired. 

 In any case, I am going to DVR as much as I can of the wedding, the good stuff, for her to see tomorrow afternoon.

One thing I have always loved is a wedding, and a Royal Wedding is sure to thrill my own little Princess.

You Get What You Get

Fortitude   –noun

mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.

I read a blog yesterday that really clicked for me. It was over at Clover Lane, one of my favorite blogs. Her post was about how a Mother should always possess fortitude.

As well, this repetitive statement my children keep saying to eachother, which the 2 small ones learned from school:

"YOU GET WHAT YOU GET, SO YOU DON'T THROW A FIT!"

It all got me thinking about how even though there are things I want for Me, that I still need to remember what is most obviously right in front Me & needing Me.  I was so much more content with the idea of not working, as long as I knew my children were cared for, had some semblance of a routine, were where they needed to be, and able to rely on Me to be there. Not some stranger that I was paying to care for them.

The problem is that as they have grown, and are all in school now, it is leaving me with large blocks of free time that make it really hard to justify my not working full time, or even part time regularly.

I have become restless.

But, I do realize I need to take a step back, stop sulking, feeling sorry for myself, and find joy in the current situation that I am in.  I may feel like a taxi driver, and maid.  But, at the end of the day when Lulu wants nothing more than a kiss, hug, and tuck into bed with a story from ME, I want to be there.  I DESIRE TO BE THERE.

They do still need Me, regardless of my need, and desires to begin working outside of the home more.

It's such a hard balance.

Restless

This waiting, waiting, waiting is making me CRAZY!

I am not one that likes to wait, I like things to move quickly, very rapid in succession. I like to be done with what I am doing, working on, waiting for promptly.

I just can't take it much longer!

The fact that I have not worked since last friday is also making things worse. I am home, running kids around, late start, early release, soccer practice, girl's on the run, dance team meetings...doing laundry, cleaning the house over & over, perseverating over the application I turned in Monday...

I need some more effective distraction!

Every other job I applied for hired me on the spot, as I turned in the application, or the next day during an very short interview. I am not used to waiting, worrying, hoping vs. just knowing I will get the job.

Why did I do this to myself?

Ready for Battle

I turned in my application today. Shaking as I walked to the window.
As I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking it over, and over. Analyzing the whole process in my mind. Thinking of all the reasons why I should stand out over others, and why I deserve to be chosen.
Although, I know, regardless of how I feel, I still have to wade through the application process just like anyone else.
However, I passed the test to allow for the application to be filled out, and that makes me feel slightly superior. I mean, not only am I applying for a nursing job. But, a nursing job working with law enforcement. It somehow makes me feel a little bit more special. Especially since the selection process is obviously so much more thorough, and precise.

We shall see what transpires.

No matter what, I know I am worthy of everything I desire.

Easter 2011

Happy Easter!

I spent the day making a King Arthur braided bread wreath!

Gracie Mae helped me, and it was the biggest fun today. I placed 5 brightly colored eggs in the wreath, and it cooked them to a boiled egg consistency while baking with bread for 45 minutes! It was so cool to see it actually work right. I was impressed. I think I will make it every year. Lulu loved it.

We also had a spiral ham, asparagus from the grill, salad, deviled eggs, fruit salad that Lulu helped to make, and Mom's potato salad.
I tried making some Bird's Nest cookies, but they kids ate the malt candy eggs off, and discarded the rest, so I am guessing it wasn't such a hit. Except I did see D sneaking, and devouring a few.
It rained a ton today, so we waited to hide eggs outside til we had a dry spell. But, what the 'easter bunny' did do was hide some plastic eggs with treats in the house to get the kids started. Then later on, we hid the colored eggs a few times, and on the 3rd round I added in 6 special eggs.

They were allowed to find 2 total each, then let the others find thier own 2. So as to avoid one kid getting 4 of the 6. You see, I filled them with $1-$3. I never do that, but it was a special surprise! 3 were golden, 3 were 'gem' eggs. Leah found 2 gem eggs, Drew found one of each, and the Boy found 2 golden eggs. I gave them the option of trading BEFORE opening, but they chose not to. So, Leah ended up with a toy, candy & $2. Drew made out with candy, and $3. The Boy made out with $5.

This made Drew mad, but they did have the option of trading! Leah was perfectly happy with her pretty gem eggs regardless of the money!

Gracie Mae is too big for finding eggs, she helps Mom hide them now. She was perfectly happy with her chocolate bunny, and Easter Barbie...yes, My Teen still plays with Barbie's!

I bought each of the kids 'colored' bubbles. I will say this...they are BRIGHTLY COLORED, the bubbles leaked all over, the girls were very cautious with using them, but they are supposed to be washable.

We visited with my Parents, ofcourse that including some Wii game play with Grace getting Grandma to play Just Dance 2, Samba De Amigo, and Zumba...but Grandma mostly sat down and watched the girls.

Leah gave Grandma her BAB Bunny, and Beau gave Grandma his Owl...for 'just in case, so we have toys to play with when we stay the night at Grandma's House Mom!"

I think they love Grandma & Grandpa so much they would give them ALL thier Build a Bears if they asked!