Tantrum in a Tiara

Sweet Leah Dee wore her crown this eve as we playfully spoke in a very poor british accent ( i will admit), handed around miniature red velvet cupcakes, and discussed the Royal Wedding.

She seemed to be rather intrigued by the idea of a real life wedding of a prince & princess.  But, as she ate her mini cupcake, which I kept calling 'tea cakes', she began to frown, and then as she slowly placed the entire cupcake in her mouth, it became a full on tantrum of sorts. She was balling, and the cupcake was barely being held in her teeth.

All I can attribute her behaviour to is lack of sleep, she was probably over tired. 

 In any case, I am going to DVR as much as I can of the wedding, the good stuff, for her to see tomorrow afternoon.

One thing I have always loved is a wedding, and a Royal Wedding is sure to thrill my own little Princess.

You Get What You Get

Fortitude   –noun

mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.

I read a blog yesterday that really clicked for me. It was over at Clover Lane, one of my favorite blogs. Her post was about how a Mother should always possess fortitude.

As well, this repetitive statement my children keep saying to eachother, which the 2 small ones learned from school:

"YOU GET WHAT YOU GET, SO YOU DON'T THROW A FIT!"

It all got me thinking about how even though there are things I want for Me, that I still need to remember what is most obviously right in front Me & needing Me.  I was so much more content with the idea of not working, as long as I knew my children were cared for, had some semblance of a routine, were where they needed to be, and able to rely on Me to be there. Not some stranger that I was paying to care for them.

The problem is that as they have grown, and are all in school now, it is leaving me with large blocks of free time that make it really hard to justify my not working full time, or even part time regularly.

I have become restless.

But, I do realize I need to take a step back, stop sulking, feeling sorry for myself, and find joy in the current situation that I am in.  I may feel like a taxi driver, and maid.  But, at the end of the day when Lulu wants nothing more than a kiss, hug, and tuck into bed with a story from ME, I want to be there.  I DESIRE TO BE THERE.

They do still need Me, regardless of my need, and desires to begin working outside of the home more.

It's such a hard balance.

Restless

This waiting, waiting, waiting is making me CRAZY!

I am not one that likes to wait, I like things to move quickly, very rapid in succession. I like to be done with what I am doing, working on, waiting for promptly.

I just can't take it much longer!

The fact that I have not worked since last friday is also making things worse. I am home, running kids around, late start, early release, soccer practice, girl's on the run, dance team meetings...doing laundry, cleaning the house over & over, perseverating over the application I turned in Monday...

I need some more effective distraction!

Every other job I applied for hired me on the spot, as I turned in the application, or the next day during an very short interview. I am not used to waiting, worrying, hoping vs. just knowing I will get the job.

Why did I do this to myself?

Ready for Battle

I turned in my application today. Shaking as I walked to the window.
As I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking it over, and over. Analyzing the whole process in my mind. Thinking of all the reasons why I should stand out over others, and why I deserve to be chosen.
Although, I know, regardless of how I feel, I still have to wade through the application process just like anyone else.
However, I passed the test to allow for the application to be filled out, and that makes me feel slightly superior. I mean, not only am I applying for a nursing job. But, a nursing job working with law enforcement. It somehow makes me feel a little bit more special. Especially since the selection process is obviously so much more thorough, and precise.

We shall see what transpires.

No matter what, I know I am worthy of everything I desire.

Easter 2011

Happy Easter!

I spent the day making a King Arthur braided bread wreath!

Gracie Mae helped me, and it was the biggest fun today. I placed 5 brightly colored eggs in the wreath, and it cooked them to a boiled egg consistency while baking with bread for 45 minutes! It was so cool to see it actually work right. I was impressed. I think I will make it every year. Lulu loved it.

We also had a spiral ham, asparagus from the grill, salad, deviled eggs, fruit salad that Lulu helped to make, and Mom's potato salad.
I tried making some Bird's Nest cookies, but they kids ate the malt candy eggs off, and discarded the rest, so I am guessing it wasn't such a hit. Except I did see D sneaking, and devouring a few.
It rained a ton today, so we waited to hide eggs outside til we had a dry spell. But, what the 'easter bunny' did do was hide some plastic eggs with treats in the house to get the kids started. Then later on, we hid the colored eggs a few times, and on the 3rd round I added in 6 special eggs.

They were allowed to find 2 total each, then let the others find thier own 2. So as to avoid one kid getting 4 of the 6. You see, I filled them with $1-$3. I never do that, but it was a special surprise! 3 were golden, 3 were 'gem' eggs. Leah found 2 gem eggs, Drew found one of each, and the Boy found 2 golden eggs. I gave them the option of trading BEFORE opening, but they chose not to. So, Leah ended up with a toy, candy & $2. Drew made out with candy, and $3. The Boy made out with $5.

This made Drew mad, but they did have the option of trading! Leah was perfectly happy with her pretty gem eggs regardless of the money!

Gracie Mae is too big for finding eggs, she helps Mom hide them now. She was perfectly happy with her chocolate bunny, and Easter Barbie...yes, My Teen still plays with Barbie's!

I bought each of the kids 'colored' bubbles. I will say this...they are BRIGHTLY COLORED, the bubbles leaked all over, the girls were very cautious with using them, but they are supposed to be washable.

We visited with my Parents, ofcourse that including some Wii game play with Grace getting Grandma to play Just Dance 2, Samba De Amigo, and Zumba...but Grandma mostly sat down and watched the girls.

Leah gave Grandma her BAB Bunny, and Beau gave Grandma his Owl...for 'just in case, so we have toys to play with when we stay the night at Grandma's House Mom!"

I think they love Grandma & Grandpa so much they would give them ALL thier Build a Bears if they asked!

A New Fork in the Road

I am now filling out the application. 14 pages, but only 13 pages to fill out, 1 page of instructions.

As I fill out the sections, page by page, I am feeling so proud of who I have become.

If I hadn't made the choices I made years ago to correct the wrong I had gotten myself into, I would not be able to apply for the job that I am today.

I wouldn't be able to climb the ladders, prove myself, prove TO myself that I am worth every moment of the time they are spending on pursuing me for this job.

I feel very satisfied with the path I chose.

I am also making my children proud of thier Mother, showing them that even I can continue to make changes, and pursue new avenues. Showing them that they can one day do the same. That just because you made one terrible mistake or two, it doesn't mean that you have to give up. It doesn't mean your life is over, and it certainly doesn't mean you aren't worthy of what you WANT.

I am going to do all I can to show them that they are worth everything, and anything they desire in life. That they are never stuck, and should never settle for the lesser options out of fear of failure, or an assumed feeling of defeat.

If I can become who I am, after what I did, then certainly, so can every single one of my children achieve even more than I have.

Waiting....

I started the test at 10am, and I was finished by 11:30am.

I was told if I do not recieve a call today, I am to complete the 14 pg. application and turn it in by Monday.

So, it is nearly 1pm, and I have not yet recieved a call. Is it safe to say I should be planning on filling out the application? Hmmm, I think I am gonna give it til 4pm max before I get too excited. I recieved the call last time around by 12:45pm, so I am probably safe, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

I fall hard.

There were 4 sections to this law enforcement standardized test. They give this test to the deputies as well. Each section is timed 15, 20, or 25 minutes.

For the last section, punctuation, grammar...He gave this instruction: K.I.S.S.- Keep It Simple Stupid.

He said that many testers tend to fail it even though the basic idea is to create a proper sentence from questions about the information in a police report. He said that some people either give a short answer NOT in sentence form, or end up writing a near paragraph. I found that humorous. I mean, we are talking about Men & Women going into law enforcement primarily. Not Nurses. They also say that Nurses tend to do better on the test overall, than Deputies. Now, that really makes me giggle. Kinda sad, actually.

I didn't struggle, but, I did take the max time for the 1st section, Math.

Not because I am stupid, but I wanted to be sure I was correct, and complete. The next few sections were 'cake'!

In fact, I finished all the following 3 sections, many minutes before the other 2 testing nurses.

I was 1 of 3 today.

Last time I was 1 of 5.

So, My odds are greater, and my confidence was higher. I feel good.

The Test

Tomorrow I test again for a new Job that I had applied for over a month ago. It is a standardized test for a county/city job as a Jail Nurse. I wasn't sure at first if I really wanted to try again, since I had come to terms with the fact that I hadn't done well the first time around, and adjusted to the idea that it wasn't meant for me.

But, the benefits are amazing, and if I do pass this time, then atleast I have a chance. It would be better for my family, and I would be able to finally start back to working full time. I haven't worked full time since I had the babies, but the babies are 6 & 7 now. Not babies anymore!

So, today I found a nice new shirt to wear to make me feel more confident, and I plan to get some good rest tonight, so that I am up to my best tomorrow morning. I am nervous, I won't lie. But, I know I am good enough, I know I deserve this 2nd chance, and I hope to prove to myself that I can pass this test!

Bruised

I am a Mother.

I put this on the top of my list of priorities, but I am also a Wife.

I have needs, and I have been feeling extremely neglected lately. I want to sit, and chat, talk about the day, the kids, and what is happening in the next few days, remind my Husband about events coming up, when kids need picked up/dropped off.

Simple Married/Parental communication.

I am not getting it.

HE isn't getting it, that I NEED this.

I spend all day reminding kids, and myself about the days events. I am constantly thinking about what is next, who needs what, when, what time. When I finally get some time in the evening to stop, and sit to relax, I want to have some more adult conversation.

But, all D wants to do is watch t.v.

Last night, I tried to stimulate some conversation while he was watching t.v. He got up, walked over to the remote, muted the T.V. and said..."What, NOW?" Like, I had been interrupting something horridly important for hours!

I got up, and walked out. Forget that. I don't need that type of reaction.

Today, I ran errands, got him some Healthy frozen dinners for his next two days night shifts, and salads to take. Bought a couple pizza's, one of his favorites to bake for dinner before he left for work.

When I got home I had to preheat the oven, so I did that, and planned to run to get the Boy from school in the meantime, then put the pizza in the oven for D when I got home, before he woke up.

But, He woke up as I was leaving, so I thought I would explain why the oven was on so He wouldn't turn it off while I was getting the Boy.

He snapped at me, started slamming cupboards, yelling how I can't just slam him with a list of chores as soon as he wakes up.

Well, if he would have LISTENED, he would have understood that THAT was NOT what I was doing.

It's bullshit. So, I wasn't able to tell him I had gotten him frozen dinners, and salads to take to work, or that I was baking his pizza first for him to eat before he left. Nope.

He left with a huge slam of the door, like a big fat baby throwing a tantrum, telling ME I need help?

See ya Jack!

I need to find more things in my life to entertain me outside of being a Mother, so my mission is to find something for ME this year. Marriage is not enough to keep me content.

My Baby is 6!

Lovely Leah is 6 years old.
I just can't believe how time has flown by! I distinctly remember her tiny little body army crawling across the floor, and her tiny little hands making gummy bears talk to eachother on her high chair tray. It just doesn't seem as if it could possibly be so long ago!

I made her a Barbie Cake. She wanted a pretty princess cake, and so I made my first doll cake.

She loved it!

It was so fun to put such a big smile on her face. I love my Lulu.

Then, last week I noticed she had a tooth coming in behind one of her bottom baby teeth, and it had broken the gum. The baby tooth in front of it was really loose, so I enlisted the help of Daddy to pop it loose so I could finish the job. She cried so hard, mostly over the blood she kept peeking at on the napkin. But, soon enough she was over it, and excited to move on to the 'tooth fairy' coming with money.

Big Brother Beau, however was very upset by the fact that he is older, and he hasn't lost a tooth yet. He was even more upset when he realized the tooth fairy wasn't coming for him, only Leah. These 2 are so close, and have always been so, it's funny to see them get jealous of the other, all over a lost tooth, or lack there of. Soon enough it will be his turn.

For now, Little Lulu is definitely showing me that she is growing up! It kinda makes me sad. But, I am enjoying the school age years with the both of them too. I just really miss my babies.