Monday, December 26, 2011
Marriage is a struggle. A battle of wills. A holy commitment. A security blanket at times. Other times, seemingly a nightmare.
One thing I've found with any relationship we have with anyone in
our lives, is that they change, mature, fall behind, renew, revert, die, etc...
...It's important to figure out which ones are most important, and which ones help you to grow as a person.
I may not have gotten the job I wanted in April, but I was offered the one I really needed in August.
I'm learning to be more patient. I'm learning to be more receiving. More forgiving. More tolerant.
I'm learning from others. Teaching others. Helping others. Loving others. Praising others.
But, I'm also realizing that sometimes the people I put so much trust in & and place high expectations on aren't necessarily deserving of it.
Part of being a Mother, is screening, and being cautious to preserve the safety & innocence of your children. I will never accept that I am wrong in that. I do the best I know is right.
At this point my marriage is exciting again, my children are excelling, my career as a geriatric nurse is fulfilling, my family is loving, I am growing as a person. As a wife, mother, daughter, sister, nurse, friend.
Nothing is ever perfect. But we have to make do with what we have, create what we need from it. Make a decision not to let our lives defeat us. Make the changes necessary to be what we really want to BE.
Monday, November 07, 2011
The feeling of new love.
The feeling of sincere adoration.
The mysteries of the unknown.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Erratic shifts at work.
I suggested a seperation of My husband & I for 2 weeks...which was resolved with a very deep, emotional conversation.
Then...an email that slightly shattered my little world.
The job I have been waiting to get an interview for, has ceased the application process at this time. "It in no way signifies a lack of qualification on your part..."
I am not going to lie.
I have been struggling in my mind, and soul about how I could feel right leaving the current job that I have, which is primarily elderly care, geriatric, some skilled/post surgical, would care, etc. But, mostly, the elderly population.
I love what I do. I feel like I am making a difference every time I go to work, showing them my love, kindness, and compassion. Treating them with respect.
Going from this type of work to a job promoting the health of felons, was a mind struggle.
It was, however, a job change I was willing to make to be more financially stable, provide better health insurance for my large family, and re-enter the work force full time after the past 6 years of being on-call to raise my babies.
It was the lst bit of hope I had left for a 'change'.
I was holding on to it very tightly, and had convinced myself, I was worthy, and that I would make it to the end, and secure this job.
So, Here I am.
In a nasty slump of self pity.
Hoping for a spark.
This just puts me back down into the hole that I thought I was slowly crawling out of.
I hate feeling 'stuck'.
Realizing that, I'm not going ANYWHERE.
There is nowhere to go.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
I turned in my application today. Shaking as I walked to the window.
As I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking it over, and over. Analyzing the whole process in my mind. Thinking of all the reasons why I should stand out over others, and why I deserve to be chosen.
Although, I know, regardless of how I feel, I still have to wade through the application process just like anyone else.
However, I passed the test to allow for the application to be filled out, and that makes me feel slightly superior. I mean, not only am I applying for a nursing job. But, a nursing job working with law enforcement. It somehow makes me feel a little bit more special. Especially since the selection process is obviously so much more thorough, and precise.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Gracie Mae helped me, and it was the biggest fun today. I placed 5 brightly colored eggs in the wreath, and it cooked them to a boiled egg consistency while baking with bread for 45 minutes! It was so cool to see it actually work right. I was impressed. I think I will make it every year. Lulu loved it.
We also had a spiral ham, asparagus from the grill, salad, deviled eggs, fruit salad that Lulu helped to make, and Mom's potato salad.
I tried making some Bird's Nest cookies, but they kids ate the malt candy eggs off, and discarded the rest, so I am guessing it wasn't such a hit. Except I did see D sneaking, and devouring a few.
It rained a ton today, so we waited to hide eggs outside til we had a dry spell. But, what the 'easter bunny' did do was hide some plastic eggs with treats in the house to get the kids started. Then later on, we hid the colored eggs a few times, and on the 3rd round I added in 6 special eggs.
They were allowed to find 2 total each, then let the others find thier own 2. So as to avoid one kid getting 4 of the 6. You see, I filled them with $1-$3. I never do that, but it was a special surprise! 3 were golden, 3 were 'gem' eggs. Leah found 2 gem eggs, Drew found one of each, and the Boy found 2 golden eggs. I gave them the option of trading BEFORE opening, but they chose not to. So, Leah ended up with a toy, candy & $2. Drew made out with candy, and $3. The Boy made out with $5.
This made Drew mad, but they did have the option of trading! Leah was perfectly happy with her pretty gem eggs regardless of the money!
I bought each of the kids 'colored' bubbles. I will say this...they are BRIGHTLY COLORED, the bubbles leaked all over, the girls were very cautious with using them, but they are supposed to be washable.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
I just can't believe how time has flown by! I distinctly remember her tiny little body army crawling across the floor, and her tiny little hands making gummy bears talk to eachother on her high chair tray. It just doesn't seem as if it could possibly be so long ago!
I made her a Barbie Cake. She wanted a pretty princess cake, and so I made my first doll cake.
She loved it!
It was so fun to put such a big smile on her face. I love my Lulu.
Then, last week I noticed she had a tooth coming in behind one of her bottom baby teeth, and it had broken the gum. The baby tooth in front of it was really loose, so I enlisted the help of Daddy to pop it loose so I could finish the job. She cried so hard, mostly over the blood she kept peeking at on the napkin. But, soon enough she was over it, and excited to move on to the 'tooth fairy' coming with money.
Big Brother Beau, however was very upset by the fact that he is older, and he hasn't lost a tooth yet. He was even more upset when he realized the tooth fairy wasn't coming for him, only Leah. These 2 are so close, and have always been so, it's funny to see them get jealous of the other, all over a lost tooth, or lack there of. Soon enough it will be his turn.
For now, Little Lulu is definitely showing me that she is growing up! It kinda makes me sad. But, I am enjoying the school age years with the both of them too. I just really miss my babies.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Either this is some sick joke, or God is simply telling me..."Not now."
I have put my children first for nearly 6 long years. Put my career on the side, working a little here and there. Getting nowhere.
I can't say that I am completely let down, I guess I just placed the value of myself so much higher than I should have. I have a tendency to do that. Aim High, Shoot Low.
Whatever the case, what's meant to be will always find a way.
It's just so hard to finally open your mind to something new, a new idea & desire...only to have the opportunity slip through your fingers.
Maybe what this really means, is that I am where I need to be. I do something that I love, and I think that it shows through. I've often wondered who would take my place if I were to leave. Who would do what I do, care like I care, love like I love.
I'll figure it out.
Ofcourse the smalls ones pick up on the snow talk.
For that matter, ALL the kids always pick up on snow talk!
So, this morning the Boy and Lulu were discussing that this was a snow day. Lulu asssumed that since there was supposedly going to be snow at some point today, well then, she should have a snow day THIS MORNING.
When I explained to her that this simply wasn't how it worked, not the case, she wasn't at all happy.
She was deeply involved with playing Barbie's, and requesting Wheat Thins at 8am.
So, as I was rounding up back packs, lunches, and telling them to get socks on, Lulu decided she had a tummy ache. Because her tummy needed wheat thins. But, I don't just give them snacks in the morning. So, she kept doubling over, like she was in extreme pain, whining, and I told her to eat a banana.
She kept on complaining, so I gave her some kids pepto.
You see, I knew she wasn't really sick. She was playing sick to get to stay home and have snacks, watch TV without her brother, and sisters interfering, and play dolls.
I let her know, that if she was sick, she would not be playing dolls, or eating snacks, she would be in bed resting like sicks kids should.
I took the Boy to school, go home, and Lulu is lying on the couch watching a cartoon. After about 10 minutes she asked for Wheat Thins. I said, "NO, you are sick remember?" She waited about 5 more minutes before she asked, "Are oranges healthy?" I said, "Yes, but remember, you are sick. You just had medicine. You don't get a snack right now."
She is not starved. She had a full bowl of cereal, snuck wheat thins when I took Grace to late start, then ate a whole banana.
She is simply pulling one over on me. Or atleast, thinks she is. I'm a weathered Momma. I know when my kids are sick vs. just faking it.
Lulu is faking it. She is my Ferris Bueller today.
Friday, February 11, 2011
I bought cheap playing cards from the $ store, pipe cleaners (one full one cuts up to make 4 pieces perfect for one suitor), a bag of suckers, red construction paper cute into 29 tiny hearts using a tiny heart cookie cutter for the stencil, and tiny google eyes. A glue stick to stick the heart onto the card, and tacky glue (brand specific) to glue the google eyes on, and they stay on well with tacky glue. You'll also need a hole punch for the arm and leg holes.
It goes rather quickly once everything is prepared.
And, today was Lulu's Special K treat day. This entire week was her Special K week, when she is in the spotlight with pictures of her from baby-hood til now, and special events like our trip to Disney, pics of her with Tinkerbell, Mary Poppins, and Minnie Mouse, which were her favorite, were all posted on the cork board all week, and she got to talk about her favorite things to eat, do, favorite book, toy, etc. Then today she got to bring a treat for everyone that she chose.
So, here are is a picture of her with one of the cake pops we made yesterday. Her face was lit up with excitement, and all of the children loved them! A few of the girls came up to me and said, "You make the best treats ever!" One little girl said, "You and my Mom make the best treats!" It made all the mess worthwhile!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
As with anything, practice makes perfect, and I definitely need a lot more practice.
Today my goal was to make some heart shaped cake pops for Lulu's Special K treat day tomorrow. The book says..."Give yourself plenty of time...about 1 hour"...HA!
Try 8 hours. Atleast.
Here's what really happened...
I baked a cake at 10 am. It cooled while I picked up Lulu from school & made a grocery run.
When I got home about 1:30pm, I crumbled the cake and added the frosting, then made my 'balls'. I put them all in the refridgerator for a few hours. One thing I did not anticipate, was the lack of space in my freezer for the stated 15 minutes I need to place the balls to firm up.
So, after a few hours, I took some out, I had to make 18 hearts. I used my smallest heart cookie cutter to mold them, then I put them back in the fridge for another hour or more.
I had 6 candy melt colors. It took forever to get all of them melted, so I had to enlist the help of my Big Girl to melt them as I dipped each pop to keep things moving before the candy melt hardened again. It was a nightmare!
Candy dripped everywhere, and it's not so easy to clean up. And the 6 plastic bowls I used for the melts are still at this moment coated with hardened candy melt. I give up. That's gonna wait for tomorrow.
Each time I dipped a heart on a pop into the candy melt, it nearly fell off, or broke in half from the weight of the melt on it as I pulled it out, or it kept dripping and dripping, taking up so much time per pop.
So, I did my best, made 18 (sloppy in MY eyes) heart cake pops for Lulu's class, and used the remaining balls to dip as quickly as I could to just simply make cake balls instead of cake pops.
Lulu put the hearts on top as I sat them on the wax paper.
The Wilton Cake Pop stand I purchased for a few dollars, well, it was a nightmare too. The holes the sticks are supposed to stick in as they dry are so hard to push the stick thru, a few pops hit eachother causing ugly bumps, and/or one to tip over.
So, I would still recommend buying Bakerella's book. I love her, and I love making cute edible things for my Lulu!
Just be sure you have a full day to play!
However, I have been struggling lately with the idea of increasing my hours, and how that would effect my children, and family. I have been juggling ideas in my head of using some of my hobbies to create some cash flow, and fill some of my free time that I have now that my children are all in school 5 days a week.
So, last week, I received a message requesting my interest in a nursing job that is full time. After running the hours, how it would work with small ones, and my husband work schedule, etc...I decided it may work and I went for a tour, then applied on the spot.
I have been so anxious waiting for the call. THE CALL! Waiting for the call was making me nuts! I finally got it!
I have an appointment to go in for initial testing next Wednesday A.M. By no means does this mean I have the job, but it's a start.
My Sister is helping me get my resume ready, and I have wonderful references. I am so blessed to have the support that I do at this time in my life. I truly have some of the most amazing people working with me that are willing to help me even if it means they hate to see me go, they understand a change is necessary.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I can bake.
I can create.
I can sew.
I can write.
I can photograph.
But, I'm a Nurse...A Mother...A Wife.
I can't stop being a Mother, or Wife.
I don't want to stop being a Nurse.
However, My hours for nursing are so irregular, and unreliable lately.
I am seriously considering making something of one of my hobbies, talents.
I think often times I don't give myself enough credit. Then, when I see things other people do, create, or sell to make a living...I think to myself...WHY WHY WHY didn't I think of that!???
I have sewn since I was 8 years old.
I have baked with my Mother since I was in Middle School.
I have loved photography, and worked on learning more and more since I was in 7th grade.
I excelled in creative writing courses through out High School, and once wrote a simple Childrens Book for my own Daughter while taking a childrens book course thru snail mail.
I can do just about anything I desire!
I don't want to stop being a Nurse. I love my Job.
But, it's not enough for me right now.
My babies are gone. I have school age children now.
I have got to figure something out for myself, and my family that I can do to fill my time, and create extra funds.
I just have to make myself MAKE IT HAPPEN!
Monday, January 24, 2011
— Dr. Seuss (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)
Today is my Birthday. I am 34.
I always try to think back at the past year, what I accomplished, and what I didn't quite get to that I wish I would have, or possibly should have.
Some struggles have presented to me this past year, and I like to think I handle them the best way I know how.
I am not perfect, but I do my best to do the right thing.
One thing I know this very day is that I am loved.
There are days I wonder, and days I doubt. But, today it has been made very clear.
My Children love me, regardless of discipline.
My Husband loves me, regardless of disagreements.
My Parents love me, regardless of my past.
I love Me, regardless of my imperfections and shortcomings...and that's important too.
When someone askes you if you are satisfied with your life, what do you say?
I say, YES. Absolutely.
It's not ideal, and it's definitely not easy.
But, I love my Children with all my heart. I would never regret my life.
However, I will constantly seek new & better ways to do things, and I will also continue to push myself to do those things that I may find too difficult, or challenging. Nothing is impossible. And, I am no fan of those 3 words...I GIVE UP.
I never have.
"So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed)..."
— Dr. Seuss (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I worked very hard to make him a unique cake this year. On my own, no help, and from scratch. I used fondant, edible cake markers, spray and lustre dust. I made Him his Rainbow Trout cake!
It took me 2 hours of baking, 2 hours of decorating. I just love how it turned out!
Cake Boss...here I come!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I get up this morning, and I have noticed a few mornings this week as well...her alarm is sounding loudly, but NO Drew arises.
I make lunches, the small ones breakfast and at 0740 I realize I still don't hear Drew rustling around, no shower running...
I should have woken her up, like a 'nice' Mother would, but I want her to learn to be responsible. Part of that is getting up on time, and leaving for the bus on time. She wants more freedom, and trust, afterall, as she told me last night..."I'm getting bigger MOOOOOOOM!"
At 0750 I finally hear the shower running, and a rushed Drew rustling in the bathroom.
She usually leaves for the bus about 0810, but at 0811 she is still drying her hair as the neighbor girls knocks on the door to get her, as they walk together to the bus stop.
Drew opens the door to tell her she isn't ready yet. She runs through the hallway gathering her things, never quite made it to the kitchen for breakfast. She should be greatful I don't make her make her own lunch!
She also received a watch in her stocking for Christmas, to show some personal responsibility as well with being home on time when she has been given a time to come home from a friends house, or outing to the school park with friends.
When I was gone one evening, D let her go to the park with a friend, NO watch, near dark. I get home to find it's dark, raining, and Drew is not home, she's at the park! I was livid with D. So he got in his car and drove to find her. Where's her Cell Phone some might ask...well, I don't believe a 10 yo girl needs one. She needs to be responsible by watching the time, weather, and be aware of the approaching darkness, calculating the time it would take to get home before dark. She needs to think. BE RESPONSIBLE.
Also, she recieved an MP3 player. I am perfectly fine with loading music onto it for her, as I will not allow her freedom of use of a computer either.
However, to load music it has to be from a CD for an MP3. She insists on waiting until 7 or 7:30pm to ask, "Mom, can you get on itunes and put music on my MP3 player?" ....AFTER she has spent the entire afternoon playing, or doing schoolwork or projects with friends. Her bedtime is 8:30pm, and the small ones need put to bed by 8pm, I have no time to play with itunes buying music, and making a CD to then load to her MP3 at that time. She has asked this 3 evenings in a row, and even waited until last night at 7:30-8pm to ask me to make an entire scrapbook calendar with her, throwing a near tantrum when told NO.
I realize this is part of Her growing up, learning, testing, and a lot to do with Hormones. But, come on already...Her stubbornness is getting old. I can't stand the attitude. She is such a challenge for me right now. I need a vacation...if only from this ONE child of mine!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Friday, January 07, 2011
Pamela Topping Photography Blog is having a giveway for the New Year of her new Rockstar PSE Actions!
Thursday, January 06, 2011
I rise at 6:40am to get the first girl off to the bus, with lunch in hand. I then make the other 2 lunches while I wait for the other 3 to wake up.
I get breakfast ready 1 by 1 as they arrive groggy, with squinted eyes to the breakfast bar.
Lulu always needs me to get out her clothes for her, exclaiming, "...but I don't know what to wear!" She's just lazy. She's the baby. Mommie's Baby.
The 2 smalls like to watch a cartoon or 2 while I get Drew off to school, ensuring she has a jacket of some shape or form on her body in this freezing 30-something degree weather. This girl will skip out the door in a sweatshirt with wet hair.
About 8:20 the smalls have to get dressed, brush thier teeth, hair, gather back packs, homework, library books, etc.
Long ago I gave up trying to get myself around, so I'm lucky if it's not such a terrible bed head day. I grab a cup of coffee to warm my hands as I slip on my boots, scarf, and jacket.
The smalls get dropped of around 8:45, and I make my way home to sit, relax cuddled up in a blanket with my coffee, and a book or the laptop.
But...Lets not forget the morning storm of 4 kids in 1 bathroom that I clean up daily. 2 blankets sprawled on the couch with 2 stuffed animals nearby, 3 empty cereal bowls, 3 piles of PJ's, 2 wet towels, 1 tootpaste smeared sink & countertop, 1 unflushed toilet, 1 empty roll of toilet paper, and 3 unmade beds.
As much as I hate to do this everyday, it's my routine, and one day, they will all be grown & gone. No more beds to make, PJ's to pick up, or toothpaste to scrub off the counter.
For now, I'll just enjoy the quiet during which I do the clean up.