Thursday, May 19, 2011

Black Hole

What a crazy past 12 days I have had.
Erratic shifts at work.
I suggested a seperation of My husband & I for 2 weeks...which was resolved with a very deep, emotional conversation.
Yardwork. email that slightly shattered my little world.
The job I have been waiting to get an interview for, has ceased the application process at this time. "It in no way signifies a lack of qualification on your part..." 

I am not going to lie.
I have been struggling in my mind, and soul about how I could feel right leaving the current job that I have, which is primarily elderly care, geriatric, some skilled/post surgical, would care, etc.  But, mostly, the elderly population. 
I love what I do. I feel like I am making a difference every time I go to work, showing them my love, kindness, and compassion. Treating them with respect.
Going from this type of work to a job promoting the health of felons, was a mind struggle.
It was, however, a job change I was willing to make to be more financially stable, provide better health insurance for my large family, and re-enter the work force full time after the past 6 years of being on-call to raise my babies.
It was the lst bit of hope I had left for a 'change'.
I was holding on to it very tightly, and had convinced myself, I was worthy, and that I would make it to the end, and secure this job.

So, Here I am.
In a nasty slump of self pity.
Hoping for a spark.
This just puts me back down into the hole that I thought I was slowly crawling out of.
I hate feeling 'stuck'.
Realizing that, I'm not going ANYWHERE.
There is nowhere to go.